The drop falls; another stage has been reached. Stage upon stage. And why should there be an end of stages? and where do they lead? To what conclusion?

well just look around
that's why I love this town
to see me;
serenaded hourly
celebrated sourly
dedicated dourly

waltzing with the open sea
clam, crab, cockle, cowrie
will you just look at me!

I just read this article: On Gerry.

God. Do I love that movie. Gus Van Sant is amazing. I ordered the foreign director that Van Sant says is an influence in the article and also the other recommended similar work. Minimilast film is really the most exciting thing in my life right now. hahaha... I have all these movies to watch and I never do - they just pile up. blah.

I'm at work. The secretary is off for the next week so it means all I do all day is surf the net and answer phones. So yeah... I don't know what to do on the internet. I used to be able to fill my time for hours and hours. I've been at work for 3 ish hours and I'm bored silly. Let's see I have:

Checked my email.
Checked Facebook 2 times
Browsed Wikipedia
Browsed Amazon
Browsed Livejournal.

What, pray tell, more is there to do on the internet? This computer doesnt have aim for some reason. I wish I could listen to the radio or something, but there is no radio in the office. blah blah. Well I leave in a little more than a half hour so.

Anyhow how how how

I'm still here... I feel like I haven't posted to the thing in forever. I do read people's posts though, even if I don't reply.

I'm not usually one to post lyrics of songs I like here, but I'd like to recommend Aimee Mann's song Momentum. I think it perfectly describes a situation I've found myself in many times in the past. Being stuck with cyclical bad behavior. you know.

I've done a lot of reading this summer. By the end of the summer I hope to have read all of Michael Cunnigham's novels and all of Zadie Smith's. I'm reading the Bell Jar right now. It's a favorite amongst people my age or younger, I know. The thing is I found the beginning of the novel when she's in the city completely hysterical. Kind of like the way I find A Catcher in the Rye funny. It's something to do with a childish voice commenting on an adult experience. Some of her observations are spot on and hysterical. I especially like the part where Billy Ward tells her to read a poem and she says she likes it and then the next paragrapg is just a single sentence: I thought the poem was miserable. The immediate juxaposition of the things she does and the things she thinks maybe are funny. hmmm... The paragraph thing too. She'll go on for about a paragraph about something and the next paragraph will be a one sentence long hilarious comment that closes it. I don't know.

Anyhow my life is okay. I wish I could get out of my head more but there's not much to do in upstate ny.

Do you ever think that you're going to be stuck inside of your own head forever. That not once are you going to be able to see something from another persons point of view? Not really. I think about that sometimes.

I wish people would be less elitist about things. I mean what hits me over the head is how close minded and mean it is to judge people on one aspect of life. Not even life, just consumerism. Say so and so is a music elitist and looks down on everyone who likes this and this band. You're not really judging the person, really, just what they consume which is completely stupid and irrational. Widdling entire people down to what music they like is i guess just about feeling superior. I mean noone is really superior to anyone else. It just shuts you down to new people and new experiences if your like that, I feel. I guess what I'm saying is that I've known people like that and I've been heavily influenced by that type of thinking, but I don't want to go back there because it's depressing.

What else?

I've been trying to get in touch with old friends recently and it's been going swimmingly. Whenever I'm in a bad spot I always feel so lonely but the truth is I've had a ton of friends in my life who I never had a bad "break up" with thaty would still be there for me if I needed. I just need to mend the relationship I feel and hopefully I'll feel less lonely.

I love that feeling when I'm just getting to know someone that I like alot but you're not really close yet. stil ldiscovering eachother I think is one of the best parts of life.

Sometimes I wish I could make entries that were less confesiional type and more something else. I don't know. I don't know how to talk about my day. My day's are run of the mill and usually filled with me obsessing over something or other. which i then write about.

I've been reading Sylvia Plath, as I said and I read the hours. I read Virinia Woolf before - she's amazing. She's probably the most interesting writer I've ever come across. I seemed to be gravitating towards people who'v comitted suicide... There's this really beautiful moment at the end of the hours where the clarissa character talks about why people keep living even though life can be very terrible. It's because of the hours. I didn't like the book too much until that last part and it's been swirling in my head for some time now. It's probably a direct rip off of Mrs. Dollaway since it does happen to the Clarissa character... who knows.

Speaking of Michael Cunnignham. He writes these really amazing relationships between gay men and their mothers. Really astounding.

mmmm... what else...

I've got all these movies from the library that I haven't watched. Alot of KAtherine Hepburn because Zadie Smith idolizes her so I though I should check it out. I havent watched a lot. I've been trying to watch as much lars von trier as I can. I've seen Dogville and Dancer in the Dark so far oh and the idiots. He has this really amazing ability to make you question what it is you just saw. The endings are always so climactic and they completely shatter everything that went before.

I dont want to stop writing but I don't know what else to say.

Oh I'm going to see Joanna Newsom in Brooklyn in August if anyone live on the east coast and wants to go. I know Anthony is a fan, though he doesnt have livejournal, Rosemary too, but hses on the opposite coast these days. Should be fabulous.

Does anyone have the Jackie Brown Soundtrack? I've been looking for it forever.

IF anyone on here listens to music on their computer often you should get a www.last.fm (I don't know if that will link but you should) I want to stalk you and or find cool bands to listen to

This is MY profile
http://www.last.fm/user/thejojo342/

Also if anyone is into awesome i guess it's called instamental post-rock or whatever you should listen to Godspped You! Black Emperor. They're the best.

My entire identity is simply a summation of what I want people to think about me. Often times I think things in my head as if I'm planning to have aconversation about it with someone else - I plan the most clever, meaningful and insightful way to present my argument (always an argument) for what I'm thinking. I don't enjoy this practise. I actively despise it. I always smile when I recognize that I'm thinking something out for me and not to present it to someone else. It's gotten so bad that the entirity of the books I read, the music I listen to and the movies I watch are entirly to impress someone else. This habit, however, is empty, and needs minimal thought or emotion to understand artwork. I feel the desire to say that I was never like this, but the truth is there was only 1 year period from senior year through first semester of college where I truly freed myself from this vileness. I like to lie to myself and say I'm not as bad as the made up sorority girl who cries when someone points out a physical peculiarity. I'm not. Their shallowness is physical and mine is intellectual. It's a sad sad day.

So I'm in this livejournal community called literary quotes and someone just posted this:

Siddhartha had one single goal -- to become empty, to become empty of thirst, desire, dreams, pleasure and sorrow -- to let the Self die. No longer to be Self, to experience the peace of an emptied heart, to experience pure thought -- that was his goal. When all the Self was conquered and dead, when all passions and desires were silent, then the last must awaken, the innermost of Being that is no longer Self -- the great secret!

-- Hermann Hesse, Siddhartha

That blew me away. It's interesting. I must read this book. Has anyone read it?

I made a new icon of one of my favorite movies, A Band of Outsiders.

You probably can't make it out though. Blah. Best dance scene in a movie ever.